


What Could Have Been

by GingerOaks



Category: Big Bang Theory RPF, Call Me Kat (TV), The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama & Romance, Fluff, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:21:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28363833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GingerOaks/pseuds/GingerOaks
Summary: What if Mayim and Jim really do love each other more than what they choose to show us? Given that Jim is still married and Mayim is in a serious relationship, that is. Set: Post-Big Bang Theory, during the “Call Me Kat” productions, in the year 2020 & 2021.
Relationships: Jim Parsons/Todd Spiewak, Mayim Bialik/Jim Parsons, Mayim Bialik/Jonathan Cohen
Comments: 13
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All are just make-believe. This story is not intended to hate, discriminate, or anything of the like to anyone.

September 2020

We’re sitting on a beige colored couch, with her by my right side, our knees touching. I can feel her heat, oh her natural heat emanating from her bottom. I can see her mouth going up and down but I can’t seem to hear what she is saying. What are we talking about again? My god, Jim, wake the fuck up! _And stop starring, it’s getting creepy._ Oh yeah is it really? We’re talking anyway so why would it be creepy, huh? _Oh, just shut up will you!_ All of a sudden my view was blocked, covert with dark brown hair, and my senses were attacked by her apple scented hair. Oh, my lord.

She was hugging me and, “Jiiim!” she said tenderly. As in autopilot I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer; she hugs me tighter. Before I can melt once again, she pulls back and looks at me. No, she’s gazing at me. _Oh, please she’s just looking at you._ Oh, shut it. I swoon at her radiant smile. What a beauty she is. I can see little wrinkles at the side of her eyes, her white pearls beaming at me. I smile at her, a cheeky, toothy, and shameless grin. I close my eyes and said, “Mayim,” drinking in the mental image and I open my eyes. They are adjusting to the morning sunlight beaming down at my face.

What? Where is she? I try to feel with my left hand, why am I in a bed? Oh fuck, it’s just another fucking dream. _Thank you, universe._ I turn to my left side and saw there’s no sign of Todd. What time is it anyway? All right, time to get up. I sit on the side of the bed and feel for my furry slippers. I look over on my nightstand to see the time, mmmh it’s 7:30 AM; I really did sleep in. I stand up and walk to the bathroom to start the day.

••*••

I head out from the bedroom wearing my running outfit. I walk to the kitchen and see Todd cooking. As I approach him I said, “Mmmh, I can smell eggs and bacon. Good morning indeed, honey,” to his back. He turns around and gives me a toothy smile, “Morning, honey. You woke up late,” and pays attention to his task at hand.

Then Doctor Stevie came right beside me, expecting his morning love greeting from his favorite daddy. “Yeah, I slept late last night since I got hooked up with my reading,” I said chuckling while rubbing Stevie’s belly. “Where is Rufus by the way?” I ask. “He’s asleep in the living room. Alright, why don’t you start with your run and breakfast will be ready soon,” Todd said.

••*••

I head to the gym room to start my morning run. I turn on the television and CNN was on; watching the news just stresses my mind out like any other normal person in this fucking pandemic so a few minutes into running I switch the channel up for no reason. Just click, and click, and click I go until I just turned it off.

God, I’m bored. Well, another day to not smoke again I guess. Another day of not acting. Am I still an actor? Fuck you, anxious mind, of course you are. Another day for meetings? I’m not even sure, but most likely yes. At least we get to drink a few in the afternoon, oh sweet jesus thank you. _And lastly, another day without Mayim._

Oh fuck it, you can just text her. And speaking of that angel sent, my watch just alerted me that I got a text from her! It read, “Good morning, Jimbo! You’ll see this beautiful face of mine later. Oh, what a day for you hahaha. Love you.”

I felt some fluttering in my chest. No, damn it my heart is just beating fast! God! Way to be overdramatic, self. Okay, okay, just relax, self. I gradually stop running until I had to brisk walk. I took my phone and type in, “Good morning to you too, sunshine. Yeah, excited to watch you in rehearsals. Mwah,” with a toothy grin plastered on my face as I tap the send icon.

••*••

I am sitting across Todd, gobbling down eggs and bacon as I said, “Mmmh, Todd, you are the best.” “Why thank you, Jim,” he said with a sweet smile. “So what is our schedule for the day?” I asked Todd.

“We have a meeting with the Spoiler Alert screen writer and Michael himself by 9:00 AM.” “Oh, alright. What time do we get to watch Mayim though? Any pertinent information I have to know in CMK?” “We get to watch by 10:30 AM.” "Ooh, Todd,” I lightly tap his right hand. “Is the budget for the Times Square ad approved?” He looks down at his plate and nods at me before taking a big bite of an egg.“Oh, that’s just wonderful!” I exclaim while heartwarmingly placing my right hand over my left chest.

“Yeah, it would be good for the media,” said Todd while smiling, but it just doesn’t seem to reach his eyes.

••*••

We are sitting on the bar stools, with Todd on my right. In front of me is our 2-year-old MacBook, hosting a Zoom Meeting with the Spoiler Alert people. Oh my god. I love you, Michael and our project together but my god can you just wrap it up? I can’t wait to see Mayim _and the cast_. I look for the time and it is 10:15 AM. You will see Mayim in a few minutes, so patience goddamnit.

Weird, the Zoom meeting suddenly exited. Before I know it Todd was shaking my right shoulder. “Huh?” I asked. “You were in a trance what the hell happened to you?” he was perplexed. “Oh, sorry. My mind just drifted away,” I said nonchalantly. “It seems so,” he said. “Sorry, I’ll be focused in the next,” I said with a timid smile. “Of course you will, why would you not be?” Todd said sarcastically while preparing our next Zoom meeting. I look at the time, it’s 10:17 AM.

I pivot in my seat to face Todd. He stops what he was doing, turns his head, and nonchalantly said, “What?” and gives me the eyebrow lift. I bit my lower lip to hold it in. This sudden surge of annoyance is creeping up in me as I continue to stare at him. “Are we having this conversation again?” I asked as calmly as I can. “Well yes, because you kept on bringing her into our lives,” he said pointedly. “ _I’m sorry_. I thought you were _fine_ with I asking her for the role? I asked you, did I not? Over _and over_ and you said go ahead! So now I can’t understand why you are being like this!” I side glanced and look at the time, it’s 10:19 AM.

“ _Todd_?” I perplexedly asked as he goes down from the stool. “You watch the rehearsals without me. I just remembered I have to call our executives,” he said to the ground despondently.

“Now you don’t get to act sad all of sudden, Todd. _That_ is just not fair! You know who I _chose_ ; _and I chose you_!” I said with anger spitting from my mouth. Todd’s head whips up to glare at me and accusingly said, “ _Did you really?_ You know what? Let’s just have this conversation later, alright? You’ll be late for the fucking rehearsal.” Then he storms back into our bedroom.

I look back at the laptop and it’s 10:21 AM. I go down from the stool and walk to the fridge to drink some cold water. Like this will cool me down. _God!_

••*••

_November 2016_

_I am pacing in our Los Feliz bedroom and exasperatedly said, “What more do you want? You have to understand that **I love you, I choose you** , Todd. Fucking hell.” I look down at his sitting form on the bed._

_I furiously look at his eyes, his hurting yet raging eyes to convey that I am utterly goddamn sincere. “I **know** that. Believe me, I do but it is just **not enough** for me anymore, Jim. I can’t endure the thought, hell, the **reality** that you are in love with her,” Todd said in frustration as he pounds his fist at the bed. “I’m sorry. I am truly sorry. I don’t even know what to do, alright?” I also said in frustration. _

_“Prove to me that you are mine,” Todd said pointedly at me. I look straight into his eyes and tenderly said, “Let’s marry then.” Todd’s eyes suddenly grew like saucers, and a tear escapes from his eye. I swallowed. I love Todd, really. **I truly do choose him** but how come my heart is also hurting for her? **Fucking shit you know why**._


	2. Chapter 2

September 2020

I’m in front of my laptop, waiting for the stream to go live. Oh, Mayim. I miss you dearly, as evidenced with my dream. _Fucking hell!_ I just can’t handle Todd right now, my god. It’s 10:29 AM and suddenly there is she. My heart is utterly ecstatic; I’m up in the sky and all my troubles look so minuscule. Hey, wake up! Pull your fucking self together! This is work, _just work_. I’m not in love with her _anymore_. Yup, not anymore.

“Hi there, Jim. We’ll be picking up from where we left off yesterday,” said one of our directors. “Alright, thank you, Beth,” I said formally. “Daydream sequence. Kat sitting on a stool, Max behind the bar,” said someone.

I was admiring the set when the scene suddenly focused on Mayim. Why is Cheyenne leaning towards her? My eyebrows are furrowing until they can’t anymore and my cheeks are burning with jealousy. Really now, _just jealous_ , Jim? Oh, fuck this. “Fuck!” I exclaim as I hit the surface with my clenched fist.

Mayim and Cheyenne instantly pull apart from each other. They are both looking at the camera, completely perplexed. Did I just say that out loud? My eyes went big and immediately recovered with, “I’m so sorry. Something happened in this side of the globe, nothing to worry about. Sorry, I’ll mute my microphone this time,” I said to them.

I smack my forehead and close my eyes in frustration. I’ll count to ten; one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten. I open my eyes. “This is work, Jim, pull yourself together,” I told myself. After doing a good job of convincing myself to pull it all together, I look at the screen again.

Hmm, it’s like nothing happened as they perform the scene again from the start. The Zoom meeting ended and it’s now 11:30 AM. I’m texting Mayim my observations and a few suggestions, nothing major as expected with her. I shut down the laptop, and put it away in its sleeve. My pocket is vibrating. “Oh god, who is it now?” I said exasperatedly.

I take my phone out and it shows that Mayim is calling via FaceTime. My heart instantly bounded like lub _dub_ , lub _dub_ , lub _dub_. With my hand trembling, I tap the green icon with my index finger to answer.

••*••

_April 2017_

_I’m sitting on my couch inside my dressing room. I look at my watch, it’s 8:15 PM. I should be heading home. Todd went ahead to New York to tighten the loose ends with the wedding plans. It is exactly 2 1/2 weeks before we make it official._

_Why am I even nervous? This is just wedding jitters. Am I not happy with this? Of course I am happy, just not a hundred percent. It’s more of an 80% happy and 20% not happy. **I wonder why, you shit** ; the answer is in front of me._

_I look at the door and I can see Mayim’s head peaking inside my dressing room. “Hi, is this a good time, Jim?” she asks me with her oh so charming smile that hits her eyes every time. She’s so perfect, oh my Lord, why am I still like this when I practically see her every goddamn day?_ _“Yes, of course come in, dear,” I reply with a smile suddenly plastered on my face. “Come and sit,” I pat the spot to my left. She comes in and walks towards me._

_I observed just now that she is wearing a denim jacket over a peach blouse that accentuates her bosom. She’s wearing a black maxi skirt, and a black Dr. Martens that ends below her ankles. Oh she’s a rockstar, alright. I really don’t get this._

_Why am I in love with this woman? For fuck’s sakes I am gay and proud to be one! And for crying out loud I love Todd, my soon to be forever partner in life. But still, here I sit (because I am sitting, hahaha very funny, Jim), a hundred percent sure that I am in love with this woman. And only with this woman. I get to encounter various types of conventionally attractive, nice, and decent women everyday but they truly don’t do anything to get my motor running. I am utterly perplexed as to why her but then again, not really._

_Mayim is the most intelligent, genuine, and caring person I know; no one can top her. I love who she is as a person, inspite of our **goddamn circumstances**. _

_She was going to say something but I beat her to it. “Mayim, are you free tonight?” I asked her. She’s now in front of me, standing. “Um, yes, I am. The boys are with their dad,” she said with a smile. “Good. I need someone to talk to if you will,” I tentatively asked. “Yes, sure. My place?” she asked nonchalantly. “If you would take me, that is,” I chuckled. “Come on, then! Let’s not waste anymore time, our day off is ticking.” “Alright, then,” I said as I stand up to turn off the lights in my room._

_We’re walking together to the parking and we pass by a crew here and there and gave them our, “Goodbyes,”, “Job well done today,” and, “Drive safe!”. We drove separately as we came in our respective vehicles._

_Why did I ask her to hang at her place? **Fuck you, this is not unusual** , you two always hang out at each other’s place after work. **Oh, this will be a long night, Jim.**_

_••*••_

_I park my car in her big, three-spot garage. She’s walking towards the door into her living room and I follow. She turns on the light and the simple, rustic room comes into view. “Just rest for a while, I’ll feed the cats first,” she said as she puts down her shoulder bag on the coffee table._

_“Oh, let me help you then. I’ll fix up our drinks, as you said, let’s not waste more time,” I said with a smile as I walk behind her to the kitchen._

_I took out the Jose Cuervo in her cupboard, two shot glasses, some salt, and a lime. “Wow there, cowboy are you trying to get me drunk?” Mayim asked as she glance at me slicing the lime. “Why, of course not! I just want to have a good time with you, babe,” I playfully said to her as she feeds her cats._

_“I just feel like it, why don’t you want to?” I asked as I wash my hands. She’s suddenly at my right side and said, “Fine with it, we can drink whatever you want then,” as she puts her left arm around my waist and gives me a side hug. I turn my head to give her a chaste kiss on the top of her head. I swoon as soon as my senses were attacked by her still apple-scented hair, even at the end of the day._

_She unhinged at my waist and I look for the tray in one of the cabinets and we walk back to the living room._


	3. Chapter 3

_We’re sitting on the couch facing each other, with her on my left. We are in our nth shot and I just could not help but stare at her green eyes. She’s staring back at my blue ones. “I love you, Mayim,” I blurted out. I see the transformation of her eyes to grow like saucers and the color of her alcohol-induced blushed red face to pale._

_Oh, fuck did I just say that out loud? In a split second Mayim moved towards me and I’m suddenly overwhelmed with her scent, the smell of alcohol and yes, there’s the apples. Oh, my fucking hell she’s straddled over my lap with her arms wrapped around my neck. I extend my head back to look at her face as I wrap my arms around her pelvis to draw her closer. Oh, god the heat. All this time we’re staring at each other, burning but at the same time her eyes are glistening._

_“Please don’t cry, my dear,” I said as I caress her left cheek with my right hand. A tear cascades from my eye. I hold her face tenderly, looking at her still glistening eyes. “You’re such a strong woman, you know that,” I chuckle, holding back the crack that threatens my voice. “Of course, I am,” she said with a big toothy smile and continued, “I am because you are.”_

_“All this time I’ve been holding back. I, I, I could not bear the thought of ruining what we have. On top of that I’m getting married,” I said as tears stream down my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what has got into me,” she said as she tries to get off my lap. I hold her in place. “No, please,” I begged her. “Let’s just forget this ever happened, I’m, I-,” she tries to finish but she’s sobbing uncontrollably now._

_“Mayim,” I said pleadingly and added, “please don’t cry. I want this, even though it hurts.” “I know! That’s why I’m crying here!” she said exasperatingly. “It truly, utterly, and irrecoverably hurts, Jim,” she said in a whisper. “I am with you. I feel you. Can we, I-“ I can’t seem to finish the sentence. “Can we take it all out? Just this once,” I asked her tentatively._

_“No, Jim. We have to be strong. This is wrong. I’m sorry-“ as she tries again to get off my lap. I tightened my grip on her hips as to stop her. “I’m sorry, but I can’t be strong right now,” I said as I lick my lips and I see her looking. I look back at hers, and up to her eyes like I’m asking for her permission. Her answer was written in her post-tear stained eyes. I immediately pull her head down to mine and our lips softly press against each other; they were shy at first, like a young couple having their first kiss. But then I tenderly bit her lower lip, and the heat before exponentially increased._

_“Mmmh,” she whimpered and grinds over me. “Oh, fuck, Mayim,” I strainly said as I pull her down by the waist as if our pelvis can’t get any closer. I snake my right hand up inside her jacket to the side of her left breast. Oh god, something I’m not used to feeling. She impatiently took my hand and put it over her breast. I tentatively squeeze it and she mewled. Oh, she likes that. Good lord it’s twitching. I look at her face and she knew. Oh, this vixen! She grinds over me again on purpose and this time I’m the one who whimpered. I grab her head down to pull her into a passionate heated kiss. Her lips are so soft, I would want to take a bite. I caress her body down to her bottom and gave them a squeeze. My god her posterior is tight. “Jim,” she panted. “Mmmh?” I distractedly asked as I continue to kiss her. “I love you, too,” she said so tenderly as opposed to how brazen I am feeling, which made me pull back. "Oh this is so hard, Mayim,” I despondently said as I rest my head over her left chest. “Oh, yes something is truly hard down there,” she said with a smirk. “Fuck you,” I said jokingly as I lift my head with a smile. "Yeees, you would want that alright,” she did it again. “Come here,” I said as I pull her head to kiss her again, this time tenderly. I hold her denim jacket back to help her doff and throw it somewhere. I kiss her again, hungrily this time. “Mmmh,” she made that sound once more. This woman will be the death of me._

_I lift her right thigh and carefully hold her down to my left so she’s lying on her back and placed myself between her legs. I bend down to peck her lips and give her trailing kisses down to her neck. I graze the sides of her breast, her belly, hips, down to her outer thighs, calves, and then bent her right knee. I lift the hem of her skirt while teasing her inner legs just before her center._

_“Jim, please,” Mayim whimpered as she rotates her head to the left and close her eyes. Her right hand grasping what she can with the back of the couch at her side. I look down at her center and she’s wearing black-laced panties. Oh, dear lord have mercy. The front of my pants are getting more tight and somewhat painful now. Goddamnit I won’t last long in this situation._


	4. Chapter 4

September 2020

I was immediately greeted with Mayim’s not-happy-face. _Oh, fuck me_. “Mayim,” I immediately went, “I’m sorry for a while ago.” “Good,” she said in a matter of factly. “I’m sorry, I did not mean to say that,” I said and in a whisper, “out loud.” “Come on, tell me what’s going on,” she said as if she wanted to get over this already.

“I’m sorry,” I said sarcastically, “I don’t have to tell you anything. It sounds like you don’t even have an iota of empathy so what’s the point?” I complained with a raised a eyebrow. “Jim, you know how matters are. Let’s just not complicate things even more,” she said in a tired voice and added, “please, Jim?” she pleaded with despondence in her eyes. Oh, dear Lord my heart.

I can feel a heavy pressure over my heart, like someone is trying to go into my chest and rip my heart apart; _it’s the truth_ , even though it sounds so cliche. “Why did we even go through with this project, Jim?” Mayim asked tiredly. “You know how I will always feel about you, Mayim. As much as I want to forget things, no matter how far we are from each other, _no matter our own situation_ , I, I just can’t. I can’t stop, Mayim. I just love you,” I straightly look at her eyes.

“I understand that we can’t do anything about it anymore. I don’t want to purposely hurt Todd again,” I said as I look at my lap, “and now, your Nate,” I smiled as I look at her eyes. I deeply sighed. “I love you, Mayim. I deeply apologize. I promise you that I won’t act immaturely again. I’ll do my best to keep that promise. I won’t do anything to jeopardize what we have, as much as we have.”

I have been dreading to ask her this but here it goes, “I’m fine with what we have,” my eyes directly look at her misty ones and asked, “Are you, still?” It feels like time stood still as I held my breath for her answer. The initial pressure I felt over my chest was relieved with her, “I am.”

“Oh, god,” I broke down as tears went flooding down my cheeks. “I feel so silly, why am I crying?” I chuckled. I directly look at her eyes and can see that she’s crying with me. The corners of my mouth goes up to my wet eyes and with my pearls beaming I said, “I love you, always.” She gives me her biggest smile, wipes her eyes with her hands, and said, “I love you too, always.” She kissed her right index and middle fingers together and pressed them on the screen as if she’s giving me a peck. I did the same. She smiled and said, “Bye, Jim. See _me_ tomorrow again.”

“Looking forward to, boss,” I formally said with a nod. “Get to work now, boss,” she said playfully with a smirk and added, “Bye for now.” “See you tomorrow, my dear.” Then I can only see her picture set in my contacts.

••*••

I walk towards our bedroom. I knock three times and open the door. I peak inside to look for Todd. I can see his back to me as he is sitting on the green chair, facing the window.

I walk inside to investigate what he’s doing. I stop at his right side and was shocked as I raise both my eyebrows. Wow, he really has a meeting with our executives. He breaks contact with the screen in front of him and looks up to me. Todd gave me his nonchalant, “What?” expression. “Sorry, sorry, it can wait,” I said quietly as I squeeze his shoulder. He nods at me and continued to work. I walk out of our bedroom and finally saw Rufus.

“Come here, boy,” I called that old baby boy of ours. He is, he’s _our_ baby boy. He walks towards me and I squat down to pick him up. “Hi, Rufus. Where have you been, you cutiepie?” I talk to him as I walk to the living room. I sit down on the couch, let Rufus lie down over my lap, and lightly brush his body over and over. It has been about ten minutes when Todd finally went out of our bedroom.

He’s looking at the ground as he walks toward the living room and finally lifts his head. When he saw me he immediately turned around to god knows where. I place Rufus at my side and walked to Todd. My long legs are really helpful as he is obviously walking fast, away from me. He stops in front of the bathroom door and I immediately snake my right arm around his waist and pull him closer to me.

He nudged as he tries to open the door. I place his arms at his sides to encircle his whole body, my arms crossed over his belly. “Todd,” I said tenderly as I place my head on his right shoulder. I inhale his scent and everything just comes back into place.

“I’m sorry,” I said to his neck. “It’s alright. I’m sorry too. I was just insecure for a moment then,” he said in a whisper. He tries to bulge away from me again and I just hugged him tighter. “No, you’re still mad at me,” I insecurely said as I try to control my tears. “No, really, Jim,” he said as he place his hands over mine and gave them a squeeze. I straighten my back and turn Todd around to face me. “I am really, truly sorry, Todd,” I said as I place my arms over his shoulders. “I know that. And I am also, Jim, truly,” he said as he looks deep into my eyes. I gaze back at his and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips, then tenderly on his forehead. “Now, you really have to let me go or I might pee at myself,” he chuckled.

••*••

November 2020

“Beep, beep!,” the horns blaring here and there as we are stuck in traffic in Times Square. Todd’s driving and I’m at the passenger side. “Oh, my! Look at your right, Jim,” Todd said as he duck his head to look.

I look at my right and low and behold, there she is. The “Call Me Kat” digital screen is finally up. _“Oh, my dear Mayim,”_ I said in my head as I put my right hand over my left chest. I look back to Todd and I was surprised that’s he’s still looking at the screen; he’s smiling, a smile that now hits his eyes.

“Todd,” I said as I place my left hand over his right thigh to get his attention. He leans back to his seat and with a smile lightly said, “Yes, Jim?”

I squeeze his thigh and lean to his side to lightly kiss his lips. He presses them back gently. I lean back a little, smiled at his eyes, and wholeheartedly said, “Thank you.”


	5. Chapter 5

January 2021

Jim. _Oh, my Jim_. I’m in my dressing room in Call Me Kat, sitting on the sofa with my feet up while hugging my plushie. In front me is my phone held in place by a stand and I’m staring at Jim’s thinking face.

The original plan was to just text his observations, suggestions, and what not about the run through we had for the day but they changed— can’t complain though! I broke his concentration with, “Jim, this may seem random but I really miss you. I miss working with you, seeing you almost everyday in person.” He looked at me and his face perked up with a smile. “Oh, Mayim, I miss you too,” he said as he touched his right cheek. “Many are requesting for you to guest in my podcast, by the way,” I smirked at him trying to bait the man. “Mayim, you know how I feel about that. Just say when and where and I’ll be there!” he exclaimed with a broad smile plastered on his face. “Really now? When and WHERE?” I said as I raised an eyebrow. “Ooops, just a slip of the tongue, dear,” he said sheepishly.

“You’re such a tease, do you know that?” I accused him playfully as I put my chin over my plushie, giving him the puppy dog eyes I can muster. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” he said pleadingly with his eyes. “You owe me this! You’ll have to visit LA soon when it’s safe enough!” I said pointedly. “Well of course I will! Certainly! That’s a hundred percent yes,” he said enthusiastically and added quietly, “for you,” with a small smile. I slightly side bended my head, intently looked at his eyes, and gave him a small smile too.

Our eyes can conveyed what our hearts truly wanted to say.

••*••

I’m sitting on the sofa in my living room, Jonathan is sitting beside me. I angled my body to his side so I can talk to him better. “Jonathan,” I called him as he is busy browsing through his phone. “Yes, babe?” he said as he put his phone down and faced me too. “I’m thinking on having Jim in our podcast. What do you think?” I calmly said.

“Mmmh, whoever works for us, I’m in it. It’s really your choice, Mayim,” he said smoothly with a smile. “That’s great then,” I said as I sighed internally. “Besides, your wonderful fans have been mentioning they want Jim to be in it,” he said in a matter of factly and quietly added “so that’s something then.”

“What’s that now?” I asked lightly. “Am I sensing a little bit of jealousy? On Jim?” I teased him. “Of course yes! How can I ever compete with _Jim_?” he said calmly. “You know you’re different, babe. Jim and I are just friends,” I said reassuringly as I caress his arm.

Indeed, Jim and I are just friends. _Nothing more anymore though._


	6. Chapter 6

January 2021

It was fucking cold and there’s a snow storm outside. Todd and I are sitting on the sofa in front of the electricity-generated fireplace in the living room, with Stevie on his lap and Rufus on mine. 

As I caress Rufus’ body I turned to my left to Todd and said, “You know what, I was asked to be in Mayim’s podcast.” Todd turned his body to the side to face me and said, “Oh, really? That’s great to hear.” He gave me a knowingly smile. “I know right! It’s just so wonderful. I think I’ll be contributing a bit on the mental health of covid-19 patients. I suppose I’ll be mentioning you at some point, will that be alright?” I asked for the sake of democracy. “It’s perfectly alright with me, thank you for asking,” he said as he went on hand brushing Stevie. Todd looked up to me and said, “Oh, I forgot to mention. I was just able to watch you and Mayim’s interview in Ellen a few days ago.”

“Did you really just watched it only a few days ago? That was on the first week of January and we’re fast approaching to February already,” I said laughing. “Yes, I’m so sorry. You know I was really busy with Wonderful,” he said in a matter of factly. “Yeah, yeah, I know you were. I was just teasing you,” I said as I lightly smacked his shoulder. “Stop it, Jim!” he said playfully. “So you know how I was interviewed for the first part and then the both of us for the next?” I made sure. “Yes, dear,” he said teasingly. “So here’s the thing. We weren’t able to talk as much as I wanted to!” I exclaimed and added, _“_ _ Well, it’s not like we don’t talk almost everyday, you know _ _,”_ I said as I raise both my eyebrows to emphasize what I meant (and that it is just mainly for CMK, Todd and I have talked about this thank you very much). 

“But in-spite of that at least she had more screen time; for her to shine as she deserves to be,” I said with a smile that breaks and at the same time makes my heart leap with joy. Todd just gave me a nod and a smile as he took my right hand and held it for a while. 

I was suddenly drawn at the fire in front of me and I stared at it. _Mayim deserves to shine and be happy, Jim_. You can see her glow in your last interview. And we all know who’s the reason behind that: Jonathan. 

My mind was transported back to our Big Bang shoots and I can see her big smile in front of me. I can see her concentrating on what Bill is saying and as she gives her input; my god she’s too smart. And now a flash of our heated, passionate yet drunken night together came to me. Cold weather or not, nothing’s stopping my nether regions to stir.  _ Oh pull it together, Jim!  _


	7. Chapter 7

_“Mayim...,” I grunted as I went down, giving her light yet heated kisses on the neck. I was pulled in closer to her center as she put her legs around my pelvis. “Mayim, you’re killing me. I can’t last this long if you’re gonna do that again,” I strained._

_“I won’t mind, mister,” she said seductively as her hands are going down my back. My eyebrows went up in surprise and asked, “Are you sure?” “We’ll do it again anyway,” she said teasingly as she her hands firmly squeezed my buttocks._ “Oh, my god, Mayim!” I exclaimed.

I was awaken by my own screaming. I opened my eyes in shock. What just happened? I touched my face and I’m sweating? Oh my god and I’m... the dream plainly made me work up and my heart is hammering. Then it just dawned on me; I sleep next to someone. I slowly rotated my head to the left. I sighed in relief as Todd is clearly sleeping, facing me. My heart is still racing but it slowed down a little bit. My god, why do I kept on dreaming about our night together? _Fuck it you know why._

••*••

I don’t know how long I slept but I was awakened in my light sleep with soft sobs on my left. I opened my eyes and turned to check on Todd. He was side lying, facing me, and when he noticed me he quickly buried his face on his pillow. Like that would help. Oh, Todd. I scooted closer to him and I caressed the back of his head as I asked, “Todd? Honey, what’s wrong?” His sobs grew louder with his face still buried on his pillow. “Shh, shh,” I said soothingly as I raised his body to embrace him into my arms under the covers. He grasped my sweater and continued to cry as I slowly caress the side of his body as comfort. I’m still baffled with why he was crying and at the same time my heart breaks with worry. With what seemed like five minutes the sobbing stopped and his grip loosened on my wet sweater.

“Hey, hey better now?” I asked as I lifted his chin to see his red blotchy eyes. He’s staring back at me and said, “It happened again. You’ve been having That dream about you and... her; the third time now.” “Oh, Todd I’m so sorry,” I said as I pull him down into my chest. “I truly, truly apologize. I’m sorry that I can’t control them.” I run my hands up and down his left arm as a futile attempt to comfort him. “I know, I know. I understand. It just hurts, Jim. I feel like you stabbed me in the heart repeatedly so,” he said quietly as he stare into the window to my right. Snow is falling, bit by bit. If maybe not for our breathing I could hear the landing of each flake on the rails.

For what seemed like hours I finally spoke. “I am so sorry, Todd. You know I am,” I said remorsefully. I brought him up to my level to give him a long kiss on the forehead. I pulled back and stare at his brown eyes. He caressed my left cheek slowly and cupped my jaw. He leaned down to tenderly kiss me on the lips. I can feel his tongue licking my lower lip and I gave him access. Our tongue danced back and forth as if trying to prove something. It was breathtaking but I had to lean back to catch my breath. He leaned forward again and with our lips almost touching he said, “I love you, my Jim.” “I love you too,” I said and pecked his lips.


	8. Chapter 8

January 2021

I’m sitting in my spot in our dining room, with the Zoom meeting for Call Me Kat in progress. Today they are rehearsing for an episode where Mayim, no, Kat is considering storing her eggs for her future plans. There’s Mayim now looking pregnant. “Oh, she’s just too cute!” I exclaimed too enthusiastically. “Who’s too cute?” asked Todd from behind as he enters the dinning area. 

“Mayim’s pregnant in this part of the episode! Just look at her tummy!” I grinned as I said to Todd on my right. He leaned closer to the screen, made a big smile and said, “Yeah, she looks cute.” I turned my head to him and he turned as well. “She is, isn’t she?” I said with my big pearls showing off and Todd nodded with a smile. 

“I have to do something. I just came to grab some water,” he said as he walks to the fridge. “Alright,” I said as I continue to watch the rehearsal. 

A few minutes has gone by and my mind was wandering off; well nothing new with that. I remember we had a scare the day after our night together. 

••*••  
  


_April 2017_

_ I was woken up by the sun blaring on my face, my eyes. God kill me now. I turned my head to the right and I opened my eyes. My arms are wrapped around a person and we’re in a bedroom? Oh, oh, oh my god. It’s Mayim. She’s sleeping on my bare chest, her face is half obscured by her locks, and her right arm across my belly.  _

_** On my bare chest? I’m sleeping next to Mayim? ** My heart started pounding. My head is in over drive. Oh my lord. Oh my god. Relax, Jim, relax. She started to stir and I knew she’s awake as her body suddenly stiffened.  _

_ She slowly tilted her head to look at me. The turning and tilting of our heads seemed like forever as I can hear my heart bounding with nervousness. I am nervous of what may happen in our relationship and afraid we have ruined our friendship altogether. Our eyes were as big as saucers filled with dread and fear for the first second but the second after that, we knew it all. _

_ There’s love. That’s it. I can’t help myself but say, “I love you so much,” into her green shining eyes. “I love you too,” she replied with a big grin plastered on her glowing face. Morning breathe be damned. I pulled her up to give her a tender yet passionate kiss. We made out like randy teenagers for a while until her hand wandered down my stomach. “Mayim,” I said as I pulled back and held her hand down my stomach. “You don’t want to go further down there,” I continued. She turned her head down. “My, my, isn’t that a pole or someone is just happy to see me,” she teased with her naughty grin on her face. My face felt very much warm as I look away from her penetrating gaze. “Are you shy now, Jim?” she teased and continued, “With me? After everything—,” she stopped. Her pause alarmed me so I immediately looked back at her. “Why? What’s wrong?” I asked nervously as I tightened my grip on her hand.  _

_ “Protection. Did we use any protection? I’m not on pill as of the moment,” she said quietly. I gulped and said, “Alright, what do we do now?” I asked calmly. “Wait, it’s the 7th, right?” she asked. “Um, yeah I guess,” I said. “It’s alright then. It’s safe. We’re safe,” she said trying to calm us both. “You know what? If you’re pregnant now, I would not have mind it,” I said tenderly.  _

_The moment those slipped out of my mouth, my mind was saying, “Are you insane? You don’t want kids! What the hell are you saying?” I was detached with the yelling in my head when Mayim said the same thing. “Are you insane? You don’t want kids of your own!” she said accusingly. “Well, to be perfectly honest, I’m also surprised with myself. But if it’s with you? That’s a guaranteed “yes” for me,” I said as I caress her right cheek. Her eyes went all misty and her voice trembled as she said, “Oh, Jim,” and hugged me tight as she can. She buried her head between my right arm and chest. I held her tight in my arms for as long as we can. _

_ Minutes or hours have gone by and she finally spoke. “You know this will be the the first and last time we ever do this, right?” she said as she looked into my eyes. “Yes, I know, my dear,” I said as I kissed her forehead tenderly. “We just have to remain as friends, for our own best interests,” she said and continued, “We both know you will still choose Todd and I’m not asking for you to choose, Jim. Above all else, I respect your sexuality. Maybe this, this happened because there was a glitch in our lives and—“ I stopped her with, “No, Mayim. This happened because we love each other, end of story,” I said seriously. I looked at her eyes pointedly and with much love, admiration, and guilt I said, “Thank you for understanding, for loving me.” “You know I do, Jim, always,” she said. “What a cruel life it is, huh?” I said as I rotated my head in disbelief.  _

_ “It’s not cruel, I guess. At least we’ll have this moment forever, and that would be enough for me,” she said as she tenderly touched my left cheek. “Well, I guess it is, Mayim. I guess it is,” I said as I caress her right cheek mirroring her actions. She smiled up to me as I continue to brush her cheek with my thumb. _


	9. Chapter 9

February 2021

“You look handsome,” Mayim said to Jonathan. 

_ And the smile on her face when they looked at each other! She used to smile at me like that. I can literally feel my heart being torn into pieces at an agonizingly slow pace. Well shit this instagram live is killing me. _

_ Ha! Take that you hater! Mayim knows what she’s talking about so you can’t do anything to bring her to your pitiful level.  _

_ Of course, they’re not married, people!! I can’t bare the thought of that— damn. What is wrong with me? Don’t you want her to be happy, you shit? Stop that alright? You did the same when you married Todd. She no doubt felt the same way— hell no. She felt more than you; more pain, more everything because it’s Mayim. You caused that to her. You were the reason why Mayim was in so much pain. I, I can’t inflict that to her ever again.  _

_ Ha ha. Yes, goodbye, Jonathan._

_She is so goddamn intelligent. Oh, Mayim._

_ Bye, my dear Mayim. It was nice to see your beautiful face and hear your voice again. I miss you so damn much. _

I’m lying stomach down on our bed, with elbows bent scrolling down Instagram. I got bored so I refreshed the feed. _Ha! Like that will peek your interest._ The first photo in the feed got me saying, “Well shit.”

_It’s official then. There’s their first couple selfie in the media. Look at her glowing face! She looks very much happy. Oh my lord, oh my god._ The photo in my phone was suddenly blurred as hot tears slipped down my cold cheeks.  I put my phone down to the side and wiped my tears. I wipe and wipe my cheeks but to no avail so I succumbed to it. With elbows bent I put my hands over my eyes and let them flow. As tears flow down thought after thought came to me.

_ Why are you crying? It’s not like you never saw a couple selfie of them before! You’re like a love sick teenager and it’s sickening! It’s just a photo, why are you spiraling out of your sanity over it? _

_ You’re supposed to be a good friend of hers! Why are you saddened by this? Aren’t you happy for Mayim? _

_ You’re supposed to be supportive of her! She’s finally happy! She’s with a man of high regards! Her words!  _

_ Stop this pitiful scene, Jim. You know where you are with her.  _

_ I, I can’t accept the fact that I can’t be the man for her. I can’t be the man she needs. I can’t be the man she spends her life with. She deserves the whole goddamn world. And.. and I just can’t give that to her.  **But I love her**. I love her so goddamn much... I love her so I have to let her go. Utterly let her go, for real this time.  _

_ Soon enough you know where they will end up. She’ll definitely marry him and you have to be there for her.  **You have to genuinely be there for her because she was with you when you did the same.  **_

My elbows gave out and I slumped my head down to the right. I bawl my eyes out, with hiccups here and there, my breathing ragged. I cried for what seemed like hours, staring out the window. I did not notice when Todd entered the room. All I know is I’m on the left side of his chest, being cradled like an infant, my head being caressed over and over. 

Tears are dried out, with residual hiccups here and there as I listen to myself regain my breathing. 

••*••

Time ticked by and I finally came to my senses.  _ I love my Todd, I love our little family. I love my dear Mayim also, so I’ll have to let her go. _

I lift my head to look at Todd and he’s already looking back at me with so much love, I can tell. “Hi,” he softly said with a small smile. “Hi,” I quietly said as I try to convey my love to his eyes. I pushed myself up, went to his right side to have him as my little spoon in the middle of our bed. I wrap my arms around his torso, my right hand entwined with his left, staring out the window. 

The sun is setting, red and orange hues painted on the sky. _No matter how things are, there will always be beauty at the end of everything. Though there will always be a nagging series of thought of, “what could have beens” and whatnot, may we not regret our choices and be brave enough to stand by them._

_ And maybe, just maybe, as a reward for this timeline, in a different lifetime everything will be just right; as it is now.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End. 
> 
> Thank you to all your love. May you be as happy and content as you deserve to be.


End file.
